Punishment

That's what this is. Punishment. I'm a big ol' sinner. I'm judgmental. I gossip. I envy. I can get really jealous. I am not all that forgiving of past pain. I definitely fall victim to gluttony. And I have my times of laziness. My sins obviously got to the point that I needed to be put in my place. So I was fired. And now I'm working a really crappy contract job. It's no fun. It pays crap. I'm not even allowed to use the microwave, because I'm such scum.

Everytime a new lead comes my way, I get excited and imagine myself in the new job. What will my commute be like? Will I be able to keep The Monster in the school she's at now (we really like it!)? Will I have to pay for parking? These are all relevant questions that need to be thought about before I could take a job, but I use thinking about them as an excuse to get too excited about the gig, because I'm certain I'll get it. I mean, why wouldn't I, right? But then the lead doesn't work out, and I'm completely crushed.

I had an interview at a big awesome corporation in September. A few weeks later, my neighbor (who works HR there) told me they issued a hiring freeze on all attorneys. I then followed a lead of another neighbor for another large corp - hiring freeze! Then I actually got an interview but didn't go because of the huge attrition rate. (I'm really glad I didn't waste my time. One of my girlfriends interviewed with the guy a while back and said he was a big a.s.s.h.o.l.e. That's certainly not something I need more of right now.)

There's another lead working right now through my parents. It's a badass gig at a really cool company, but I'm sure it won't turn into anything. They never do, right?

So I pray. And pray. And pray. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being listened to. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too dense to get the message. Sometimes I wish a big stone tablet would fall out of the sky with detailed instructions on how exactly to survive this financial crisis.

Worst of all, I don't feel like I can discuss it too much with Big D. He has the need to fix things. He sees me upset and without direction, and he wants to take the pain away. He wants to lift some of the burden off of my shoulders. But unfortunately, he talks about leaving his residency in order to make more moeny. I cannot think of a worse option right now. The future of him in private practice is the only thing that keeps me from freaking out when I put our groceries and gas on credit card, because there's not enough money in our checking account.

Overall, I'm having a bad day. I wonder if this will turn around. I wonder what the future holds. Will I ever have a career again? Will I ever have a lunch break again so that I can have lunch with my girl friends? Will I ever fix my past mistake of leaving my old job? Will I ever become a good role model for The Monster?

My prayers just don't seem to be working, so if you have a few minutes, I could use another advocate.

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P.S. I have an awesome post being cooked up right now for later in the week. I saw something totally bizarre on the way to work the other day. I have pictures of it too! Stay tuned for a much more fun post.