My Double Life

This was a post I wrote yesterday morning, before I found out my job was ending.
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Life wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to graduate law school and make a ton of money to pay back the money I borrowed to go to college and law school. I was supposed to wear expensive suits, expensive shoes, and be able to afford to drink wine every night. I was supposed to have a family and a career.

Instead, one side of my life is going so perfectly, while the other side crumbles.

I cry on the way to my temp job and on the way home, because my career is gone. The career I spent $100K on. The career that I worked for all my life. It's vanished. The money is wasted. I used to be able to walk into a conference room and take a deposition with opposing counsel scrutinizing every question I asked. I used to be able to able to walk into a courtroom and address a judge. I will never get to do those things again. I used to be proud to be an attorney. I used to love saying Big D and I were like The Cosby Show. I used to love getting dressed in a suit everyday, because I felt accomplished. I felt like I was living my dream. I was Somebody. Now I'm a pathetic joke. I'm bitter. I'm a shell of who I used to be. I wake up in the mornings hoping this has all just been a dream, only to have my heart sink when I realize it's my reality. I tried being positive that something better was around the corner, but I keep encountering progressively worse obstacles. I've prayed so much that I don't even know what to say anymore. I feel like a waste. I feel abandoned. I never imagined it would be like this.

But then I get home, and my house is filled with warmth and love. My healthy, happy daughter gives me hugs and kisses, and cracks up when I blow on her belly. She brings me books to read to her and cuddles against my shoulder. She smiles at Big D and says "da da." She splashes and kicks in her bath water, then looks up at me and cracks up if I'm covered in water drops. She says "buh bye" as I lay her down in her crib and blows me kisses as I say goodnight. She greets me with a smile every morning. Her hair smells like sunshine. Big D gives me bear hugs after The Monster has gone to bed and tells me he loves me and our daughter. I thank God every day for my amazing family. I am filled with so much hope and excitement for our future. I never imagined it would be like this.

How can one part of my life be going so badly while the other part is going so fabulously?